The Aging Family - Marriage at an older age and Aging
Sadly this was our last week of class. Due to taking final exams and the like we didn't get much time to discuss the things that impact aging families. However, a few things we discussed really hit me, and I have gained some personal insights through my work.
First off, aging families aren't just families after years of marriage. There is also the added aspect of families that get together later in life, or remarriages. On average after a divorce, men tend to remarry within two years of the divorce. For woman it tends to be a lot longer. Why is this? Because the woman is often the one burdened with the childcare and doesn't have time to themselves for dating.
This is a problem because even though the Father's have time to get remarried they often would love to spend time with their children. A study showed that children from the ages of 12-15's Father's tend to live on average, 400 miles away. They reasoning behind this is because the Father's have been taught and told that their job is to pay the bills and provide for the family, even in divorce. So they often move somewhere they can make more money.
Not only that but truthfully a Fathers role is critical in a child's life. If a child has an active and involved Father they are less likely to get involved with drugs, alcohol, premarital sex, and they tend to do better in school specifically in the math's and sciences. Something else we discussed in another class of mine this semester is the importance of Father's in a child's because the risks they encourage help their children to develop healthy self-esteem and confidence in themselves. An example of this would be taking your child to the pool The mother tends to be a lot more protective and often keeps the child in the shallow end, whereas the Father is more likely to encourage the child to attempt swimming in the deep end, and he'll be there with them for safety but he often lets them struggle through it so they can learn to do it for themselves.
Why do the mothers tend to get more time with the children? We have a flawed system. When families choose to separate, the children are almost always entrusted in the mother's custody or there is supposed to be an even split of time, but the mother still ends up getting most of that because people feel it is unhealthy to keep children away from their caregiver and nurturer which throughout history has usually been the role of the mother, but that is changing in today's society.
However, there are also struggles that come with remarriage, especially when children are involved. It takes on average at least two years or more for normalcy to return to the home and the children to truly accept the new spouse as part of the family. Blending families is a struggle because they weren't involved in those critical beginning years and the children still have a mom and dad, they don't need a replacement. This is why all the heavy disciplining should be done by the biological parent, so the child will be more likely to accept the new comer. The new comer still needs to have rules and be their for the child, but their goal should be to become more of a fantastic aunt or uncle, someone they can turn to seeking advice, but still knowing this person won't just be a friend and keep their secrets, they'll actually give them good advice and have the best wishes and intentions for the child.
Now, to the other side of aging families. It's not just families that get together or blended together when they're older and already have children. There are also natural struggles that come as couples get older.
I have been taking a finance class this semester. And something that can really effect aging couples, is that they didn't properly save and prepare for retirement so when the time comes for that, they aren't able to retire and are in trouble because they're getting too old to work. This is something that needs to be prepared for throughout your life.
However, another problem that I would like to address is something I have seen personally up close. And that problem is the physical and mental changes that begin to happen and degrade the body. I have worked as a nurses assistant for three years, in nursing homes. And these are the top three problems I have seen.
1. The old parents that live in the facility are constantly worried about the others health and well being, while also struggling on their own and not being able to be much help. They also tend to lose their hearing, and sight and tend to not be able to communicate the best, especially if Alzheimer's or dementia join the picture. It is a very stressful situation to be in, when you are constantly dealing with new ailments and not sure what you can do to help.
2. This is a problem for the parents trying to provide for their family and carry on with their lives that don't have the time to care for their parents so they put their parents in the nursing homes. Many struggles I see here involve the biological child wanting to do more for their parents and the in-law accusing their spouse of spending too much time focusing on their parents and not enough on their own family.
3. And naturally like many other struggles, finances can still be a struggle at this phase. Either the elderly couple living in the facility can't afford to live there, because they are very expensive. Or the couples own children who are trying to raise their own family feel like it is their obligation to help out and pay, so they try to help pay to keep their parents in their adding to their financial stress.
Although these are three very real struggles of aging families I have learned that the best way to be able to deal with these problems or avoid them are as follows:
1. Plan for your financial future while you're young. Be prepared to retire and also have an emergency fund built up, and plan in advance if you expect to be in a nursing home or to help provide for someone in a nursing home, when planning and preparing for this, look at your families health history to get a good guess of how things might go.
2. Communication is key. I have talked about this in several of my other blog posts, healthy communication in families is crucial to success at anytime in live.
3. Do date night with your spouse on a regular basis to get the two of you some alone time to continue connecting and reminding each other that you love each other.
4. Share your goals up front, if you want to help out your parents when they get older, bring it up in the beginning of your relationship with your spouse, so you can make sure you're on the same page and have the same/similar goals.
5. Remember no one is perfect and there will always be a few bumps in the road, but you can always learn from them and draw closer together.
6. Forgiveness and understanding or crucial.
7. Read your scriptures and pray together as a family. It not only helps to bring peace into the home, but it helps the family to build a united front, and a stable foundation.
Sources:
file:///C:/Users/Owner/Downloads/faml%20160%20lesson%2013.pdf
"Intimacy in the Later Years"
"Fundamentals of Family Finance" by E. Jeffrey Hill and Bryan L. Sudweeks
"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn
file:///C:/Users/Owner/Downloads/Gottman%20Ch.%205%20(1).pdf
First off, aging families aren't just families after years of marriage. There is also the added aspect of families that get together later in life, or remarriages. On average after a divorce, men tend to remarry within two years of the divorce. For woman it tends to be a lot longer. Why is this? Because the woman is often the one burdened with the childcare and doesn't have time to themselves for dating.
This is a problem because even though the Father's have time to get remarried they often would love to spend time with their children. A study showed that children from the ages of 12-15's Father's tend to live on average, 400 miles away. They reasoning behind this is because the Father's have been taught and told that their job is to pay the bills and provide for the family, even in divorce. So they often move somewhere they can make more money.
Not only that but truthfully a Fathers role is critical in a child's life. If a child has an active and involved Father they are less likely to get involved with drugs, alcohol, premarital sex, and they tend to do better in school specifically in the math's and sciences. Something else we discussed in another class of mine this semester is the importance of Father's in a child's because the risks they encourage help their children to develop healthy self-esteem and confidence in themselves. An example of this would be taking your child to the pool The mother tends to be a lot more protective and often keeps the child in the shallow end, whereas the Father is more likely to encourage the child to attempt swimming in the deep end, and he'll be there with them for safety but he often lets them struggle through it so they can learn to do it for themselves.
Why do the mothers tend to get more time with the children? We have a flawed system. When families choose to separate, the children are almost always entrusted in the mother's custody or there is supposed to be an even split of time, but the mother still ends up getting most of that because people feel it is unhealthy to keep children away from their caregiver and nurturer which throughout history has usually been the role of the mother, but that is changing in today's society.
However, there are also struggles that come with remarriage, especially when children are involved. It takes on average at least two years or more for normalcy to return to the home and the children to truly accept the new spouse as part of the family. Blending families is a struggle because they weren't involved in those critical beginning years and the children still have a mom and dad, they don't need a replacement. This is why all the heavy disciplining should be done by the biological parent, so the child will be more likely to accept the new comer. The new comer still needs to have rules and be their for the child, but their goal should be to become more of a fantastic aunt or uncle, someone they can turn to seeking advice, but still knowing this person won't just be a friend and keep their secrets, they'll actually give them good advice and have the best wishes and intentions for the child.
Now, to the other side of aging families. It's not just families that get together or blended together when they're older and already have children. There are also natural struggles that come as couples get older.
I have been taking a finance class this semester. And something that can really effect aging couples, is that they didn't properly save and prepare for retirement so when the time comes for that, they aren't able to retire and are in trouble because they're getting too old to work. This is something that needs to be prepared for throughout your life.
However, another problem that I would like to address is something I have seen personally up close. And that problem is the physical and mental changes that begin to happen and degrade the body. I have worked as a nurses assistant for three years, in nursing homes. And these are the top three problems I have seen.
1. The old parents that live in the facility are constantly worried about the others health and well being, while also struggling on their own and not being able to be much help. They also tend to lose their hearing, and sight and tend to not be able to communicate the best, especially if Alzheimer's or dementia join the picture. It is a very stressful situation to be in, when you are constantly dealing with new ailments and not sure what you can do to help.
2. This is a problem for the parents trying to provide for their family and carry on with their lives that don't have the time to care for their parents so they put their parents in the nursing homes. Many struggles I see here involve the biological child wanting to do more for their parents and the in-law accusing their spouse of spending too much time focusing on their parents and not enough on their own family.
3. And naturally like many other struggles, finances can still be a struggle at this phase. Either the elderly couple living in the facility can't afford to live there, because they are very expensive. Or the couples own children who are trying to raise their own family feel like it is their obligation to help out and pay, so they try to help pay to keep their parents in their adding to their financial stress.
Although these are three very real struggles of aging families I have learned that the best way to be able to deal with these problems or avoid them are as follows:
1. Plan for your financial future while you're young. Be prepared to retire and also have an emergency fund built up, and plan in advance if you expect to be in a nursing home or to help provide for someone in a nursing home, when planning and preparing for this, look at your families health history to get a good guess of how things might go.
2. Communication is key. I have talked about this in several of my other blog posts, healthy communication in families is crucial to success at anytime in live.
3. Do date night with your spouse on a regular basis to get the two of you some alone time to continue connecting and reminding each other that you love each other.
4. Share your goals up front, if you want to help out your parents when they get older, bring it up in the beginning of your relationship with your spouse, so you can make sure you're on the same page and have the same/similar goals.
5. Remember no one is perfect and there will always be a few bumps in the road, but you can always learn from them and draw closer together.
6. Forgiveness and understanding or crucial.
7. Read your scriptures and pray together as a family. It not only helps to bring peace into the home, but it helps the family to build a united front, and a stable foundation.
Sources:
file:///C:/Users/Owner/Downloads/faml%20160%20lesson%2013.pdf
"Intimacy in the Later Years"
"Fundamentals of Family Finance" by E. Jeffrey Hill and Bryan L. Sudweeks
"Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn
Walsh, D. (2007). No: why kids of all ages need to hear it and
ways parents can say it. New York, NY: Free Press.
file:///C:/Users/Owner/Downloads/Gottman%20Ch.%206.pdffile:///C:/Users/Owner/Downloads/Gottman%20Ch.%205%20(1).pdf
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