Communication - challenges and solutions
"Communication: the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else." In class we discussed how words are not the only form of communication, but are often mistaken as the most important and most common form of communication. But the truth is, words are often the most misinterpreted form of communication. 14% of communication comes from our words. 35% of communication comes from our tone. 51% comes from non-verbal communication.
In today's world we are bombarded with communication 'boulders'. We have email, text, snap chat and so forth which allow us to send an instant message to another, but only through our words. People read into our messages too much and can become easily offended if you use correct grammar and punctuation, but not emojis and abbreviations.
So we progressed a little and have things like Skype and face time. Although you can actually talk virtually face to face there are still little glitches and the sound can be a little off, you still don't get the entire experience. And for the most part you only see their face and miss what they're doing with their hands and such, which means you could missing out on 51% of the conversation.
The ideal way to communicate is face to face, in person. However, poor communication is still ranked as the number one problem in relationships. Why is this? It's because we often put ourselves first and aren't willing to admit our own faults and short comings. We turn on defense mode very fast.
However, that's okay, because we can put into practice and learn 5 steps to healthy communication that we discussed in class this week.
1. Disarming Technique: This is a technique where we try to lower our defensiveness and the defensiveness of the other party. It's where we have to look within the statements being made and find that 'kernel of truth', especially when it seems unreasonable. For example, if someone were to say to you, "You're so lazy, you never clean up after yourself. You constantly leave dirty dishes all over the counter!" It is hard to hear that and you immediately want to go into defense mode, but instead you need to find that 'kernel of truth'. And the truth is, you probably do leave your dishes on the counter a lot, maybe you're busy or run out of time, but you still leave the dishes on the counter.
2. Express Empathy: This is where you try to understand their thoughts and feelings. In the dishes scenario, they're probably frustrated because the dishes make the house smell, or make the house messy, or even you might leave a couple of their dishes dirty (if it's a roommate). You need to be understanding to what they're feeling and let them know that.
3. Inquiry: You need to listen to what they're saying and repeat it back to them and ask question to make sure you understand and so that they feel understood and like you genuinely care. Ask questions such as, "Did I get that right?" or "I'd love to hear more."
4. I Feel Statement: This is where you make a statement explaining how you are feeling in a clear but respectful way. It's best when laid out in a manner similar to this: "When (the situation or event) I feel/felt (emotion word) because (thoughts). I would like (hope/desire)."
5. Stroking Express: This is where we express our admiration and appreciation for the person and for them taking the time to listen and being willing to try and work through this problem with you.
Although these may seem a little cheesy or hard to do at times, they work. They help people to feel listened to and they help you and the other party to address problems or difficulties that are getting in the way of your relationships. Listening is key!
Sources:
http://www.learnersdictionary.com/definition/communication
"The Love Lab" by John Gottman
file:///C:/Users/Owner/Downloads/Lauer%20&%20Lauer,%20Chapter%2010%20-%20Power%20and%20Conflict%20in%20Marriage.pdf
https://prezi.com/_gecqsg-mhrt/counseling-with-our-councils/#
In today's world we are bombarded with communication 'boulders'. We have email, text, snap chat and so forth which allow us to send an instant message to another, but only through our words. People read into our messages too much and can become easily offended if you use correct grammar and punctuation, but not emojis and abbreviations.
So we progressed a little and have things like Skype and face time. Although you can actually talk virtually face to face there are still little glitches and the sound can be a little off, you still don't get the entire experience. And for the most part you only see their face and miss what they're doing with their hands and such, which means you could missing out on 51% of the conversation.
The ideal way to communicate is face to face, in person. However, poor communication is still ranked as the number one problem in relationships. Why is this? It's because we often put ourselves first and aren't willing to admit our own faults and short comings. We turn on defense mode very fast.
However, that's okay, because we can put into practice and learn 5 steps to healthy communication that we discussed in class this week.
1. Disarming Technique: This is a technique where we try to lower our defensiveness and the defensiveness of the other party. It's where we have to look within the statements being made and find that 'kernel of truth', especially when it seems unreasonable. For example, if someone were to say to you, "You're so lazy, you never clean up after yourself. You constantly leave dirty dishes all over the counter!" It is hard to hear that and you immediately want to go into defense mode, but instead you need to find that 'kernel of truth'. And the truth is, you probably do leave your dishes on the counter a lot, maybe you're busy or run out of time, but you still leave the dishes on the counter.
2. Express Empathy: This is where you try to understand their thoughts and feelings. In the dishes scenario, they're probably frustrated because the dishes make the house smell, or make the house messy, or even you might leave a couple of their dishes dirty (if it's a roommate). You need to be understanding to what they're feeling and let them know that.
3. Inquiry: You need to listen to what they're saying and repeat it back to them and ask question to make sure you understand and so that they feel understood and like you genuinely care. Ask questions such as, "Did I get that right?" or "I'd love to hear more."
4. I Feel Statement: This is where you make a statement explaining how you are feeling in a clear but respectful way. It's best when laid out in a manner similar to this: "When (the situation or event) I feel/felt (emotion word) because (thoughts). I would like (hope/desire)."
5. Stroking Express: This is where we express our admiration and appreciation for the person and for them taking the time to listen and being willing to try and work through this problem with you.
Although these may seem a little cheesy or hard to do at times, they work. They help people to feel listened to and they help you and the other party to address problems or difficulties that are getting in the way of your relationships. Listening is key!
Sources:
http://www.learnersdictionary.com/definition/communication
"The Love Lab" by John Gottman
file:///C:/Users/Owner/Downloads/Lauer%20&%20Lauer,%20Chapter%2010%20-%20Power%20and%20Conflict%20in%20Marriage.pdf
https://prezi.com/_gecqsg-mhrt/counseling-with-our-councils/#
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